Deep in my underwear drawer is a pair of Emmanuel Ungaro floral panties that I have not worn in over a year. Even thought they are not on the frequent rotate schedule, I still love them. They are so colorful; the pattern is lovely. I'd be happy with curtains out of the print! My mom bought them for me when i was in college. Found it at Loehmann's and it came with a matching bra. I picked those because i needed a pair that could accomodate a sanitary napkin.
Today, after all was the day to have a colposcopy. As I was getting ready to leave the house this morning, i got the ingenious/ridiculous idea to twitter about this event. I'm not super competitive but I do like to be first occasionally, and i wondered whether anyone had ever "Twittered a Colposcopy" before.
And just for the record... I am motivated to share this experience beyond setting Twitter records. I am motivated to share this because a colposcopy is a common diagnostic test that many women have when they have consistent abnormal pap smear readings. In fact, I asked my doctor how many he does a week. He said that he does many, but limits them because they are boring. hmmm -- Not the cold hard data i was hoping for, and not exactly the emotional response i was looking for either, but i do get it.
If an action is tedious and frequent,then the actor may become bored with the action, and performing a boring task can result in underachieving and a sort of complacency. I much prefer a doctor who is going to swab my cervix with vigor and vinegar and then really get inspired to study the surface areas that he wants to biopsy.
I'm pretty brave with this stuff and pretty curious, so I generally observe and follow. Of course the whole time I am also wondering, "Are you done yet?" It's not on my top 1,000 places I'd rather be list. There was a lot of swab and tool passing between doctor and nurse aid. In fact, when he asked the nurse to "Pass the crocodile", I saw a long metal instrument with a trigger, and got a little concerned. At that point I looked away, and focused on what i was looking forward to, and i think i diverted my attention for half minute. The sound of the crocodile (snip, snip) was much worse than it's bite.
What does a colposcopy feel like? There is a lot of cotton swabbing which is soft and hard to feel. Honestly, if i didn't see the swabs going in and out, I wouldn't have picked up on it. There were a few moments of minor, fleeting cramping and after the procedure i just kind of stayed on the table for a while just to breathe normally again. My legs were shaking a bit, either because i was cold or hungry or because that is how the fear came out. The nurse offered ibprofen, but I didn't think I needed it. Three hours post-op I have just a tiny bit of mild cramping. After I get up from a nap, however, I may take an Advil.
If you're not particularly brave or less than comfortable about being on your back, legs spread, with a speculum inserted for about 10 minutes, keeping you open for maximal viewing, then you might want to try to distract yourself. The key to making it through an exam like this is to breathe deeply, know that you're doing the right thing. Let nice thoughts pass over. Empty your bladder before for peace of mind too.
And just know that you are not the first woman to be probed and sampled, and you won't be the last. As I left the office, Mrs. Harris, another patient waiting to see the doctor, opened her door wearing a black Hollywood-style turban gussied up with a brooch, a black sweater and socks, and a paper sheet. "Oh, I wonder if they've forgotten about me," she said. "I've been here for so long. Would you mind asking someone?" I turned to her and nodded OK, and in the moment caught a glimpse of her bare butt. Mrs. Harris made me smile, because she has is taking care of herself.
HINT: Doctor's orders: No sexual intercourse for two weeks. so, ladies, schedule your colpolscopy wisely.
